So I didn’t make the finalist stage of the blog awards which I actually feel rather disappointed by, if I’m honest. It was one of those things when making the long list and the short list were utterly unexpected. You get your hopes up, you start to imagine ‘what if’.
I’ve been on this merry go round a thousand times over in my life as an actress. In recent years I’ve had to deal with a lot of rejection and disappointment. It does something to you. I’ve developed a thick skin, sure, but I have also found myself holding back a little, steeling myself for the blow. In this, as in line, it can mean I don’t give my best.
So when the opportunity to audition for a great role came up recently, I found myself rearing back from the preparation and listening to the cautious voice inside that says ‘don’t get your hopes up’.
But a wise friend recently told me how there are often three voices that are in constant dialogue inside us.
The Animal says ‘go for it, tear it up, roar’.
The Mind says ‘hold on now, take it easy, you’re gonna get hurt’.
The Soul says ‘guys, thanks for your input but I’ve got this. Animal help me do the work, Mind hold distractions at bay. I’m going in.’
It’s ok to be disappointed if something does work out. It’s ok to say you’re gutted. Tell you what, if I don’t get this gig, I might be drowning my sorrow in some vanilla ice cream for a while. But my Soul knows that, no matter what nothing really changes. She is enough.
I did the audition. Soul let the Tiger have a good ol’ roar. And now she’s curled up purring contentedly while Mind is recovering by lying down in a dark room.
And so we wait and hope, wait and hope.