Standing in the Atlantic sea on a December morning in Kerry, 1995, you have no idea of the tsunami of loss that is about to hit. You are arrogant enough to think that because you have played by the ‘rules’ you can escape grief, even though deep down you know you have betrayed your own heart.
Perhaps that is just the brazen bravado of youth. You are 20 years old. You are beautiful but have no real awareness of it, preferring to see hair cuts and make up as lesser things, covering your body in oversized jumpers, confident that your inner fire is what draws them to you like a moth to a flame.
You know that there is no future in this relationship, but you have backed yourself into a corner and you will do everything you can to prove to yourself that you gave it a shot. You’ll do this even as your heart yearns for someone else, your creative soul is neglected and your inner fire is smouldering. You are a good girl. You will do the right thing, even if it’s the wrong thing for everyone involved.
And when the tsunami hits, you’ll be knocked off your feet, blindsided, while at the same time believing that this is everything you deserved. You’re a good girl but not good enough and therefore, you deserve to suffer. You believe your greatest sin is to want more even as your heart aches for it.
You know what you want – you have always known but time and again, over the next 25 years, you will follow the pattern of going so far after your heart’s desire only to balk at the final grasp. You continue to choose to believe the lie that whispers ‘this far and no further, for what calamity might occur if you grasp it?’
If you had believed in your innate worthiness at 20 years old, you would never have been on that beach in December. Or you might have been on that beach but you would be there with someone else entirely. Or you might have been there alone; whole, self owned, sovereign. You might have trusted in your heart’s wisdom. You might have burst into glorious flames of iridescent glory. You might have burned down facades and let truth and beauty make a path before you.
There’s no judgement here. It’s just taken you a long time to believe that your heart never lies, to understand that your heart is good and worthy and to trust that your heart knows the way.
Join me in Heart Centered – Danielle LaPorte’s beautiful online community. Heart Centered will give you the practices, the prayers, the playlists, some sacred words to drop into your heart so that you can show up and shine. Doors are open until the 30 November. CLICK HERE to find out more.